


Couldn't Be Saved

by jisungtinydick



Series: Some people just can't be saved [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:26:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28550100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jisungtinydick/pseuds/jisungtinydick
Summary: Jeonghan’s lying tear-streaked on the floor with vomit surrounding him and shorts rucked up to reveal bright red lines crisscrossed through each other, his thighs matching the scratches and dried blood coated on his face.
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan
Series: Some people just can't be saved [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2091705
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Couldn't Be Saved

**Author's Note:**

> This can be read as a stand alone, but I recommend reading Can't Be Saved to understand Jeonghan's thought process
> 
> The other chapters will be their reactions to the notes, so it's all going to be filled with angst

They’re on the set of another Going Seventeen episode and although they love their carats and their staff and they appreciate that this content makes their fans happy, none of them really want to be here right now. Joshua was especially insistent that they shouldn’t leave Jeonghan alone today, that he could see there was something different going on behind his blank eyes, but their manager had told him to calm down and that after Jeonghan’s recent therapy sessions, they were certain that he would be safe for a few hours in the dorms; that he would appreciate the freedom. The members didn’t really have a choice but to film today, and the shooting drags on for longer because none of them have any energy to make stupid jokes together in front of a few cameras when one of their closest friends is so clearly losing who he is.

Right at the very end, one of the staff members suggest that they record a few messages for Jeonghan, and Joshua is the first to jump to the opportunity. He doesn’t even need to think before taking a small breath and saying “Jeonghan, you know we love you to bits and there’s nothing we want more than your recovery. Take as much time as you need and we and the carats will do anything and everything that helps. Fighting!” He has to sit back down after speaking and Seungcheol takes his hand in his under the table, gently rubbing his thumb on the skin.

All the members leave a recording for him but Joshua feels slightly guilty for not being able to pay attention to their words. He’s too focused on how Jeonghan’s feeling right now, when none of them are there to see if he’s okay – his mind burns at the thought of Jeonghan having a panic attack, all alone and scared. The moment they’re allowed off the set, he texts him, asking if he’s eaten yet and whether they should bring back dinner with them to the dorms. He doesn’t text back, which worries him, so he tells the members that they should head back now, and order delivery when they get there.

Soonyoung and Seungkwan try at first to lighten the mood, but quickly give up and they all stay silently in their seats the rest of the drive. Minghao’s the one to open the door, because he’s exhausted after today draining everything out of him but as soon as he steps inside, he stops. The others do the same.

Joshua and Seungcheol push past the younger members to run towards the body on the floor, tears already forming in their eyes. Seungkwan and Seokmin immediately fall to the ground at the sight, terrified – Jeonghan’s lying tear-streaked on the floor with vomit surrounding him and shorts rucked up to reveal bright red lines crisscrossed through each other, his thighs matching the scratches and dried blood coated on his face.

“He’s okay, right? Please hyung, is he okay?” Chan’s words are wobbly as he tries to hold back his tears and Junhui holds onto the maknae’s shoulders in a weak effort to comfort him. “He was supposed to be getting better, they- they said he was getting better,” he finally breaks into tears, soaking Junhui’s shirt, but he couldn’t care less.

Jihoon tries to compose himself as he asks whether they should tell the manager, but Joshua yells at him, “Fuck the manager, get a fucking ambulance!”, so Soonyoung helps him, and they call both. Nobody notices when Mingyu walks past everyone, carefully avoiding the piles of vomit and slips into Jeonghan’s room, so nobody expects the thud of him falling to his knees. Vernon and Wonwoo follow the sound to find Mingyu crying, clutching an envelope between his hands and a small box open in front of him. It doesn’t take long at all for them to realise Jeonghan had been _planning_ this. This had been on his mind for God knows how long and none of them fucking knew.

The three of them are crying when they walk back into the living room, Mingyu still holding the envelope. Seungcheol’s breath hitches when he notices it. “Is that-“, he can’t bring himself to finish the question, because he already knows the answer. Vernon nods weakly and Mingyu lets out a loud cry because Jeonghan had been suffering _so much_.

Joshua can’t focus at all, fingers gripping onto Jeonghan’s clothes, holding his lifeless hands in hopes to feel him move. His tears fall onto the older boy’s already tear-stained face and he wants to scream so, so bad. This was- is his best friend, he won’t lose him. They all make a silent agreement not to read what he’d written in the envelope, because that would mean he had- it would mean he was actually _dead_.

Suddenly Minghao, normally so calm and collected, actually screams out Jeonghan’s name, broken and then grabs onto Seungcheol, trying to ground himself. He’d been trying to hold back from creating an outburst, but he just couldn’t help it anymore, they had left him alone and he’d taken the opportunity to do _this_. Minghao can’t wrap his head around it all, desperately trying to wake up from the nightmare, because there’s no way his hyung is gone.

Their manager arrives before the ambulance, and Joshua instantly reacts by shouting at him. “I told you we shouldn’t have left,” his voice is coarse from crying, “You made us go, you said he would be fine! Does this look fucking fine to you?” Nobody tells him to calm down. All his words are dripping with pain and his face looks so red that it wouldn’t be surprising if he passed out right then and there.

It feels like years before Jeonghan’s finally being moved into the ambulance. Joshua screams to be the one in the back with him, but the manager says he’s too emotional right now, that it should be him with Jeonghan. There’s no way Joshua’s agreeing to that – he shouldn’t be with him when he was the one that let this fucking happen. Before he can argue, Mingyu drags him outside and pushes him into the car, the others following quickly behind. “What the fuck was that for? It was _his_ fucking fault!”, they’re both still crying.

Mingyu’s words are broken, “We can’t- we _can’t_ waste time, hyung. Jeonghan hyung, he’s- he’s _dying_. Oh my fucking God, he’s _dying_.” He falls into Joshua’s shoulder in the back of the car as he sobs harder. Seungcheol gets in the driver seat, only slightly more put together than the other two, and quickly starts driving towards the hospital they’re taking Jeonghan.

There are people outside the building when the rest of the members try to get into the other cars. Vernon quietly wishes they’re not saesangs because they don’t have the fucking time for that. Just as Minghao gets into the back seat, three young girls surround Wonwoo and Soonyoung, asking for hugs and how their schedule went. It’s terrifying enough when they show up outside their dorms on any day, but this is different, so Jihoon doesn’t think twice before shoving them away from the members in one quick and harsh movement.

All the cars are filled to the brim with tension and anxiety the whole journey. Seungcheol, Joshua and Mingyu are the first ones to reach the hospital after Jeonghan and their manager, the leader quickly asking reception about what’s going to happen now. All they can say is that the doctors will do whatever is needed to keep him alive, but since they don’t know how long ago Jeonghan had taken the pills, they’re not sure whether it’s possible to wake him up. Mingyu tightens his grip on Joshua’s hands at that, because there’s a chance that Jeonghan will actually fucking die. They might lose Jeonghan.

In the months he’d been struggling, nobody had imagined that he would try this – all the professionals said he’d been improving, that he hadn’t thought about this recently at all. None of them had entertained the thought that he’d been _lying_ , because that would mean he didn’t want to get better and that’s what hurts Mingyu the most. Jeonghan hadn’t wanted to get better. He’d been unwell and he didn’t see the problem; didn’t see that he was hurting himself.

When the other members arrive, the sight of twelve grown men who had obviously been crying and are red in the face must be interesting to the other people waiting in the hospital, because someone walks up to them and asks what’s happened. It doesn’t sound teasing, more like she only wants to know so she can comfort them. Wonwoo simply shakes his head at her, and she understands enough to walk back to her seat after patting him gently on the back. None of them know how much time has passed when a doctor walks up to them, face unreadable. They all hold their breath as the man asks them to enter a more private room, and then tells them everything.

Silence. More crying.

Jeonghan’s dead.

Jeonghan overdosed and now he’s dead.

Jeonghan didn’t make it.

Jeonghan’s dead, Jeonghan’s dead, Jeonghan’s dead, Jeongha-

The thought suffocates Jisoo and he loses control of his limbs as he falls to the floor in front of everyone, breaths erratic and salty water flowing from his eyes yet again, burning as they singe his skin. He’s lost his best friend. Jeonghan, who helped him get through his trainee days when he wanted to give up; Jeonghan, who helped him stand when he’d fallen; Jeonghan, whom he loved more than anyone else in the world. Jeonghan, who was gone _forever_.

He doesn’t bother trying to stop his panic attack, because this is nothing compared to what Jeonghan had gone through. He’s dead and now Jisoo has nothing left.

He wakes up in his room and for a second, he lets himself believe it was a nightmare. That he’ll go into Jeonghan’s room and he’ll be there and everything will be okay. He hears Seungcheol’s voice and it’s crystal clear from his eyebags and worn-out expression that cracks Jisoo’s poor soul – it was all real: Jeonghan’s dead. Seungcheol joins him in the bed and hugs him. He’s already cried so much, and he’d refused to eat or drink anything since they’d found his body in their living room, so his eyes prick with the want to cry, but they aren’t physically able to. Seungcheol doesn’t say anything to comfort him, doesn’t say that it’ll be okay because it _won’t_ be okay and they all know it.

When the leader leaves the room, probably to check up on the other members, he leaves something behind on his bedside table. Jisoo picks it up and his chest clenches tight when he sees it’s a letter from Jeonghan, three pages long and handwritten, meant only for him. He can’t read it yet, still feeling like he’s lost part of himself, like there’s a Jeonghan-shaped hole that’s been cut out of his body and the knife is still slicing through him. Instead, he traces his index finger over Jeonghan’s words. _To Jisoo_ , it says right at the top in the most gorgeous handwriting he’s ever seen and he can’t help but announce in a whisper into the empty room, as if he were there with him, “I love you, Yoon Jeonghan”.


End file.
